again with the without sleep.

i'm itchy all over and almost everybody is snoring their brains out of their nostrils; yes even my female cousin is capable of snoring. i just let Fiona in a couple of minutes ago because she was whimpering outside like a bitch. well, she is a bitch. but anyway.

What M said on the 27th really stuck in my mind. at first i never wanted to believe it. i mean, who would believe that? but then again, she kept things from us. apparently she wasn't that good at keeping things from us when some of us actually find out. but oh well, nothing we can do about that. everybody has skeletons in their closets and scars beneath the skin.

For some weird reason, i'm finding nicotine inefficient nowadays. back then it usually gets the job done when it comes to knocking my senses out for a tad while just to keep me from breaking apart in an insane reality called life. i wouldn't really know what weakened the effect. must be the excessive smoking done back then.

i guess it'll be better for me more than it will be better for her to just break off contact for a while. just to let the dust settle. that means fighting temptations to reply/text. which wouldn't be much of a problem when i don't have load. now my stomach started grumbling. i think i'll go grab something.

okay, i'm back.

dewberries blueberry is god-damned love. paired with milk or tea? it's the next best thing to blueberries. oh how i would die for blueberries.. aaanyway. moving on. even though this will be immensely taxing, mostly to me, it's something that i've decided upon.


> Lose the Life-savers
> Make it to the DL on the 3rd Term
> Be lucky enough to inherit the E66
> Never look back
> Save around..10k
> Studies first

So yeah. i need these done by iunno, next new year's eve?HAHA




through the windows they were watching while we froze

frankly my sanity is at stake. i think. my left eye is half-closed and i do not know why. something's telling me that i might see Igor on the mirror if i look at myself. i'm having the cold, my throat is dry, i feel sleepy and there are a lot of things in my mind that i just can't seem to scrape out.

just the other day it was one of those tee-hee days with my olde friend when we met up for small talk, caffeine, and carbs/calories in the form of noodles and sushi. but ever since yesterday, despite the charity work, i couldn't help but ruin my day with what i was thinking. i've been getting more and more of that "space out" moments that usually Q conceives every five minutes or so. at least ms. chicken managed to relieve stress from my bones by.. well. let's just say she has this thing when it comes to embarrassing herself in public for no reason at all.

*gasp* i do look like Igor with the eye thing. .-.

things are shaping up to be pretty awkward. i didn't make the certain effort that i usually do to talk to her, just to see that if, and only if, i run/drift away, would she actually do something about my absence. i doubt it's working though. so let's not give to endless doubts.

people say great revalations, and when someone was... (i wouldn't consider it generous, mind you) ...glorious(?) uh, no. i think gutsy would be the term. yeah. someone was gutsy enough to reveal this mind-numbing secret. but really now, what's the point of revealing a secret if it's just half of it? of course, experience taught me not to show emotion.

experience taught me to pretend that it's alright.

experience told me to sulk and think about it later.

but i wasn't experienced enough to pretend to not feel that little small sting. sure, someone was just being a friend. but sometimes some people are better off living on false hope just for the moment; just to feel a momentary bliss that could actually wane a speck of hidden emptiness.

now i'm just thinking if i would really text her or not. if i would believe someone or not. because everything never adds up. well, it does eventually, but it sucks that i have to wait for eventually before i could see what roads i have to take to get to somewhere.

now i can actually feel the cold and i'm enjoying it. it's been a long time since i've felt the chill. and now i wish it rains so that i can get sick and pretend to not exist for a while, just to see if i really matter. but it's just wishful thinking. i just wish that i know where i stand in her life now. and i wish that she can tell me what i am to her. from her, of course. just so we can settle things.

just so i know where i stand.



out of bounds

first of all, happy christmas to everyone:D i didn't greet people last night because GLOBE is being such a bitch when it came down to going UNLI. some people managed to do so. lucky bastards.

I expected this year's christmas to be passe, only to end up being disappointed since I waited for christmas at her place instead. COMPLETE with parents and all. scary shit i tell you. with half of her siblings down, there was Andre and Aldren up and bothering everyone. even me. ._. but it was fun really. atleast i got to wait for christmas at her place.

i just noticed how her dad doesn't really talk much. it's kinda scary in a good way. but still scary all the same.

at first i really didn't want to go in. you know, just drop by and prolly hangout in the park. but then she screamed that i was around, so i pretty much have no choice but to go in the lairs of the presumable beasts of fury and unjust. kidding. it was awkward. because of the sole reason that her parents never really had that good impression on me by the way she tells us her experiences with them. but this is god-damned sure: her mum is almost like my mum. scary, really. you know, the works? offspring humiliation via repetition of ancient history a.k.a. forbidden information/childhood. she's very giddy though. and it was sorta creepy. but it was alright. i think.

i brought turkey at their place and left the tupperware. it wasn't really much, since it was just actually for her and not for the whole lot; which is why i was ashamed to the core. it was even incomplete for chrissake. ._. just stuffing, turkey, and gravy. no corn, no cranberry circly thingies, no brussel sprouts, no nutting. so yeah, shameful tsk tsk.

someone was tipsy. with diluted wine. XD that's just classic;3 CUTE and classic.HAHAHA

when the clock hit 12, it was time to go. my grandfather was throwing a bitchfit on my brother, and her mum gave her the look which i completely understand since my mum gives one to me as well. i never noticed her mum gave her the look though. i must be busy avoiding her gaze because she might melt my brain to smithereens. so yeah, i left. as a chicken, i left. failing to say what i was meaning to say for the nth time now. well, i actually mustered the courage to do so, no text OR calls can pull through, and no one was paying attention to the weird guy looking for someone during christmas eve. so i ended up being disappointed but blissfully happy. and it couldn't get more redundant than that.

P.S. in case you're reading this.. i think i know what you were talking about that night. i think. my brain is pretty much working in tip-top shape, so i think i have a vague idea what to tell you. but then i'm still in the deep shit that is uncertainty.




it still doesn't sound right

5.20 am. no sleep.

i can't help but think about stuff. unimaginably, my cigarettes aren't doing their usual thing of making me feel light-headed. and now i'm staring at the ceiling while waiting for my grandfather to get back from simbang gabi. frankly, i never had a heart for religion; being the asshole that i am, i only go to Him whenever i need something. selfish, i know. things happening right now aren't really the things that i should be thanking Him for. fuck challenges; He's been challenging me since i was grade four.

maybe M was right. there's no real point in this. and sacrifices done would all be for the sake of friendship and contact, not something higher. i've been trying to put up to what i've been going through and it ain't easy, that's fer sure. that's why i never ever agree when people say they envy me; they envy how i live life. life is hell. but it's worth living.

right now i just can't take my mind of the topic of last week. it's like heroin for my brain to not let go of the thought. but this is getting way too unhealthy. it's not really easy for me to just throw away what i feel and just give up. it's unfair. this is unfair. but there's nothing i can do but live this hell for a life. maybe next year would be better. who knows?

it just sickens me that it always has to be like this. always. but i guess practice makes perfect. but this'll never make any sense to me.




cut me up and throw at me what you got
we're fading away but i'm not letting it slip just yet
lightning-fast as things seemed to you and me
even when it feels like god and fate intervenes
fighting for what i'm clearly losing
defying destiny with no actual possibility
and we're at the twilight of what we are
but this ain't enough to break me or us
i can do this all day long
fighting for you even if it's a losing war
with my chest thumping faster as we stare on the white ceiling
just lying down and enjoying the silent symphony
i wished time was with us and locked us up forever

i prayed this morning. its what she said we should do. pray and hope. and frankly, there's no telling if this bears fruition or not; i've had my fair share of vigils and relentless prayers begging for something, only to never get what i wished for. but this? this is too much. this is something else. this is what i want and i won't let anything fuck this up. if it's not fucked up in itself.

i've been thinking and i can't stop doing so. this is unfair, and it never really is fair when things get good. but we'll see this through, we'll see this through..


i'll battle the world.

just when things were really looking up; just when every single little thing about life felt so right, something really bad just really has to happen. and i just don't get why it's always so unfair. but not this time. no, not this time. i won't let some un-fucking-seen force of fate or will of God to stop me this time. i'm so sick and tired of trying to just reason out why everything is happening, i'm better off battling the world if that's what it takes just to be by her side; to never lose her.

i obviously also hate short cordlines, brono for mixing this terrible concoction of extra joss and grand matador in a glass, which all three of us took straight, and i also hate my black-out sickness. i blame myself for sleeping on her when i said i wouldn't. but now that i'm up and a little less drunk and a little more sober, i just realized how depressing this really is.

last night, i was actually crying while talking to her. surprisingly, mat and bono didn't mind; that or they're just too piss-drunk. iunno. hans was right yesterday, too. it was bound to get crappier and crappier as the hours pass.

and it did.

and even faced with this... caged fate, i will try find the key and get the fuck out. because i'm sick and tired of losing people because i'm not doing anything. i'm done with that. so no matter what, yesterday will never be the last time we'll see each other. i'll battle the world if that's what it takes.



"don't guess."

i'm driven by the urge to prove you wrong.

because i'm definitely not alright when you go.

and you don't have to do anything for someone to fall for you; this goes to everyone else as well..

PEOPLE don't have to be pretty or perfect or do something extra ordinary to make people fall head over heels for them; sometimes a smile is enough to drive men wild.



You Are Smart and Curious

You are a seeker of knowledge, and you have learned many things in your life.

You are also a keeper of knowledge - meaning you don't spill secrets or spread gossip.

People sometimes think you're snobby or aloof, but you're just too deep in thought to pay attention to them.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.

You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.

You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.

You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.

You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.


half past twilight

and now everything is lost.

battled the world for too long,
now i'm dying for an escape
i don't think i'll be much longer
with my cruel, twisted fate

but then again, there's more to it than this
the moon's shining, an eminent stench of fear mixed with bliss
risking it all for a chance that may never happen again
"i'll make a way for this to work again".


moment over.

i had the feeling that i might never see her again, or any of my friends for that matter.

you see, i met this accident last night. just when we were about to leave Rustan's, this guy backed up on me and hit my car. so yeah. i get home, my mum gives me her piece of mind DESPITE the fact that my brother(well, not literally, but you get the point) bono was there. as in NO MERCY whatsoever.

not even the usual "are you alright?" or "are you hurt?"

NOOOOO~ she just went on yapping and screaming and humiliating and confiscating everything that i own. Lixiao and George included. i'm lucky that bono has a laptop and a phone, which managed to keep me sane for a while.

at that moment, i knew that this screwup is enough to send me back to the province and into my dad's custody. frankly, i doubt my dad could afford to send me to school, let alone feed all of my vices. so yeah. at that moment, i decided to see someone. i wasn't really sure if she was even up at that hour, but i had to try.

it was worth the effort skating, walking, and running in a mad goose chase if it's for her. moving on from all the cheesiness sparking about, i ended up giving everything she told me to get that day; which were the charms that i got from the store we went to the other day. i wouldn't really know how'd she react if i told her my obvious predicament face to face, or maybe i was just too chicken to say so, so i ended up writing a letter with everything that was on my mind at that moment.

i never wanted to leave without saying anything. so yeah, now i'm just stuck in my house, unable to leave its premises... for now. i ain't gonna be stopped by being grounded.

like bono said, "may rason pag tamad, may paraan pag gusto".



teh commuting escapades.


my phone rings and it was you. i didn't bother listening to your rantings; i don't care anyways. "Driving, later."

commuting is fun with you around.;3

now i'm really damn sure that i've fallen.

yesterday was awesome. awesome beyond recognition. prolly the best day this year, 26th turning pale in comparison. i hereby announce that yesterday will be nuuduls day fer me, since all we ate was noodles for the whole day.

the experience is totally.. emasculating. why? hu-llo. i'm not used to not buying anything for anyone whenever we go out. in your case, you just freaked me out beyond my wits yesterday, but i don't care.

FIVE years from now, we'll meet and get lost in Japan, alright?XD

oh oh oh. and the best part of the day would be when we were just staring at the ceiling doing nothing while lying down.

next time, let's get a car, have fuckloads of money and just get lost somewhere. let's have an adventure.;3

and.. err.. yeah. i'm getting baby-kuma stitched soon.LOL

i'd give anything for it to happen again and again.

i've fallen and i'm saying i'm in love for real.




shallow steepness

i've fallen.

i wouldn't actually know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. but frankly, i don't want this feeling to pass quickly. it's been a while, anyway.

i'm just absolutely clueless if ever she feels the same or not. even the only person who actually knows about this affair would be my oh-so beloved sister. she knows who she is.:D

so yeah. i want to tell, but i guess i won't for now. i'll be sticking to what i've been doing best: wait.


  © Blogger templates The Professional Template by Ourblogtemplates.com 2008

Back to TOP