Friday

through the windows they were watching while we froze



frankly my sanity is at stake. i think. my left eye is half-closed and i do not know why. something's telling me that i might see Igor on the mirror if i look at myself. i'm having the cold, my throat is dry, i feel sleepy and there are a lot of things in my mind that i just can't seem to scrape out.

just the other day it was one of those tee-hee days with my olde friend when we met up for small talk, caffeine, and carbs/calories in the form of noodles and sushi. but ever since yesterday, despite the charity work, i couldn't help but ruin my day with what i was thinking. i've been getting more and more of that "space out" moments that usually Q conceives every five minutes or so. at least ms. chicken managed to relieve stress from my bones by.. well. let's just say she has this thing when it comes to embarrassing herself in public for no reason at all.

*gasp* i do look like Igor with the eye thing. .-.

things are shaping up to be pretty awkward. i didn't make the certain effort that i usually do to talk to her, just to see that if, and only if, i run/drift away, would she actually do something about my absence. i doubt it's working though. so let's not give to endless doubts.

people say great revalations, and when someone was... (i wouldn't consider it generous, mind you) ...glorious(?) uh, no. i think gutsy would be the term. yeah. someone was gutsy enough to reveal this mind-numbing secret. but really now, what's the point of revealing a secret if it's just half of it? of course, experience taught me not to show emotion.


experience taught me to pretend that it's alright.


experience told me to sulk and think about it later.


but i wasn't experienced enough to pretend to not feel that little small sting. sure, someone was just being a friend. but sometimes some people are better off living on false hope just for the moment; just to feel a momentary bliss that could actually wane a speck of hidden emptiness.

now i'm just thinking if i would really text her or not. if i would believe someone or not. because everything never adds up. well, it does eventually, but it sucks that i have to wait for eventually before i could see what roads i have to take to get to somewhere.


now i can actually feel the cold and i'm enjoying it. it's been a long time since i've felt the chill. and now i wish it rains so that i can get sick and pretend to not exist for a while, just to see if i really matter. but it's just wishful thinking. i just wish that i know where i stand in her life now. and i wish that she can tell me what i am to her. from her, of course. just so we can settle things.



just so i know where i stand.

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